It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
