Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
