this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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