i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
