my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
