the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
