She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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