It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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