just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
They took my balls.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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