then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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