we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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