i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
