I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
