i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
