just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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