the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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