There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
