On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
