i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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