i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do vagina's smell?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
