i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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