Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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