Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
