i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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