im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
