I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
pray to the hookup gods
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
