i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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