I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
