apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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