i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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