did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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