hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
did i just pee glitter
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
