hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's like God shit irony all over that family
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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