literally had 100 drinks last night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
