I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You can't special order awesome
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
