Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
