I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
