tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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