$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
