Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
