It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
