While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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