Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
