just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
