apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
