last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
