I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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