I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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