Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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