This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
