im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
