Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
