i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
