after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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