Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
